Dear H, When Someone's Words Hurt You

Dear H,

I heard your friend say that she hated you after you accidentally spilled juice on her clothes.

You came to me in tears.

I know it hurt.

Sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're upset. But you took those words to heart. She told you that she hated you and that she wouldn't play with you tomorrow.

I know how much that hurt you.

I want you to keep this moment in mind as you navigate the various relationships you'll have throughout your life. There are a couple of things I want you to understand, and I hope you'll remember them when you're older.

First, I want you to remember that words have great power.

They can build up or tear down. Foster peace or create discord. They can encourage someone who is struggling or deeply wound someone we love.

And once spoken, they cannot always be taken back.

If you've said something wrong or put your foot in your mouth, own up to it. Go to that person and ask for forgiveness.

We are human, and sometimes we say things we don't mean in the heat of our emotions.

I've told you girls over and over again: Control your emotions, or they will control you.

James tells us in the Bible that the tongue is like a small rudder on a ship. Though the rudder is small, it can direct an enormous vessel wherever the pilot desires (James 3:4).

What a powerful illustration.

Something so small can have such an enormous impact.

James goes on to warn us about how difficult the tongue is to tame. And he's right. How often have we said something in anger only to regret it moments later?

Our words are powerful, and we must learn to control them. Yet Scripture also reminds us that no human being can tame the tongue by his own strength. We are dependent upon the grace of God.

And you will fail at times.

When you do, stay humble. Acknowledge what you've done and seek forgiveness from the person you've hurt.

But there's something else I want you to understand.

Not every hurtful word spoken to you is a reflection of something you've done wrong.

Sometimes people will use their words to manipulate you or make you feel guilty when that guilt doesn't belong to you.

Be aware of these kinds of people.

Not everyone has good intentions or desires to foster a healthy relationship. Some may want your time, your money, or your labor, but not you. Others may use guilt to get what they want. And unfortunately, some people seem to enjoy making others miserable.

Your Papa has dealt with people like this, and I suspect you will too.

Now, I want you to be careful here. Just because someone says something hurtful doesn't necessarily mean they're a manipulative person. Remember, you and I are also capable of saying things we regret.

People make mistakes. They get angry. They become frustrated. Sometimes they say terrible things.

The question is whether they are willing to recognize those wrongs, repent, and seek to make things right.

But when someone continually mistreats you, uses guilt to control you, or refuses to acknowledge the harm they're causing, I want you to exercise discernment.

Scripture frequently warns us about the company we keep. Proverbs 22:24–25, for example, cautions us against close companionship with those characterized by anger and a hot temper.

There are times when maintaining distance from someone is the wise thing to do.

For your own well-being, don't feel obligated to remain close to someone who continually mistreats you and refuses to change.

You can forgive someone without continuing to place yourself in the same position to be hurt.

And forgiveness doesn't mean pretending that what happened was acceptable.

H, navigating these issues requires walking a fine line.

On one side is the humility to recognize your own wrongdoing, acknowledge it, and actively seek forgiveness.

On the other is the discernment to recognize when someone is taking advantage of you or placing guilt upon you that you do not deserve to carry.

You must learn to recognize both.

So, as I think back to that little girl standing before me in tears, I want you to remember something.

You accidentally spilled juice. Your friend was understandably upset about her clothes, but that doesn't mean her hurtful words were justified.

You can apologize for spilling the juice without accepting responsibility for the way she chose to respond.

And perhaps tomorrow you'll both have an opportunity to make things right.

I hope you do.

But as you get older, I know the relationships you navigate will become more complicated. The disagreements may become more serious, and the consequences of misplaced trust may become much greater.

So be gracious with people. Be patient. Be quick to acknowledge your own mistakes.

But don't confuse grace with allowing someone to continually mistreat you.

Remember that humility and discernment are not enemies. You can practice both.

And above all, remember the grace that God has shown you in Christ. Let that grace shape how you speak to others, how you forgive, and how you respond when someone hurts you.

I love you, H.

Papa