Dear P, It's Okay to Lose

Dear P,

Yesterday, before bed, you and your sisters did what you typically do. You begged me to play games with you.

We've wrestled, built forts, played with magnet tiles, and done all sorts of things together. But last night, you wanted to play musical chairs.

Since there were four of us playing, you all wanted four chairs. I began to explain why we needed to start with three.

You did not fail to notice that there weren't enough chairs for all of us.

So, I began explaining the rules of the game. And as I did, I could see the gears turning in your little head.

P, you were the first to yell out.

"But that's not fair for someone to lose!"

I stopped for a moment and thought about how to respond.

I know you don't like losing, P. In fact, you hate it. You would rather have everyone win.

What I told you was that just because you lose doesn't mean you can't have fun. You can still cheer for the people who are playing, encourage them, and enjoy the game even when you're no longer in it.

But on the other hand, this was a good lesson for you. One that I want to talk about now that you're an adult.

I'm sure you've experienced this even more as you've gone through life. After all, you were only four years old when I wrote this. And today? Who knows how old you are now.

But one thing I do know is that you've lost at something along the way.

In life, there are winners and losers. It's a hard fact, and as much as we mature, we still hate losing.

I've always told you to do your best, to keep growing, and not to compare yourself to others. But here, I want to point out something else.

Learning to accept your mistakes, your flaws, and even defeat is necessary.

I will not set you up for failure in life, ironically, by teaching you that everyone wins. I believe that would be a disservice to you.

Because one day, you will encounter someone who is better at something than you are. Someone will defeat you. And if you've spent your life believing that you should always win, I fear you'll become bitter and resentful when you discover that isn't how life works.

I know losing hurts.

When you were little, every time you lost, you would throw yourself down on your pillow, and the tears would start rolling.

I didn't try to dull that disappointment by pretending you hadn't lost. Not because your tears didn't matter, but because sometimes disappointment is something we need to learn how to handle.

Sometimes pain is a necessary teacher.

Did you know there are people in this world who are born without the ability to feel physical pain?

I've spoken with a few people in my nursing career who struggled with this. You might think that not feeling pain would be wonderful, but it can actually make ordinary life dangerous.

Imagine not being able to feel the heat of a stove or the sharp end of a nail.

Pain teaches us, from a young age, how to navigate the world. It warns us when something is wrong and helps us recognize when we need to change what we're doing.

Now, emotional pain isn't exactly the same as physical pain. But I believe disappointment can teach us something, too.

Losing a game can teach you how to manage frustration, accept disappointment, and respond with grace.

And that's something I hope you learned.

So, how do I want you to apply this today?

Well, perhaps you're dealing with defeat right now. Maybe you play sports, or maybe you've worked hard toward something and still come up short.

Whatever it is, I want you to learn to accept defeat gracefully.

Defeat can be a teacher.

And trust me, your Papa has lost a lot.

I'm not the most athletic. I'm not even the smartest. Not by a long shot.

But I want you to grow where God has planted you.

God has given different people different talents and abilities. And sometimes, when our abilities are compared with those of others, we discover that someone else can simply do something better than we can.

That's okay.

Enjoy the game for what it is. Enjoy the fellowship with others.

And think about what Paul says in Philippians 2, when he encourages us to consider others rather than looking only to our own interests.

When someone else wins, congratulate them.

Praise them for their accomplishment, especially when they've worked hard and earned it fairly.

And praise God, because ultimately, nothing we have comes from ourselves alone. God gives the talents. God gives the abilities.

I think of an example from my own life.

I was once very jealous of people who could speak well in public.

I cannot.

I do not have a silver tongue. (Why do you think I write letters? Ha!)

But the more I thought about it, the more thankful I became that God gave different abilities to different people.

Paul describes something similar in 1 Corinthians 12 when he talks about the different members of the body of Christ.

Not everyone is an eye or a hand. And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you."

We are different, and those differences serve a purpose. What one person lacks, another may possess.

So why should I resent someone for having an ability that God has given them?

Why not rejoice in it?

Rejoice in other people's victories, and remain humble in your defeats.

So, to that little girl who threw herself down on her bed in tears because she lost a game, I want to tell you something.

It's okay to cry.

It's okay to be disappointed.

Learn to accept those feelings and deal with them with grace and humility.

But I also want you to know that you must not stay down.

Don't stay on that pillow crying forever.

Stand up and try again.

Not because you need to win so you can rub someone else's nose in it.

But because you should.

You should grow. You should keep learning. You should continue developing the abilities God has given you.

And remember, sometimes the joy isn't found in winning at all.

Sometimes it's simply found in playing the game.

I love you, P.

Papa