Dear P,
Your Momma came to me today and asked me to handle something. Apparently, you'd been caught sneaking snacks out of the kitchen again.
I'll admit, my first thought was to give you a spanking. I've never believed that discipline should be avoided simply because it's unpleasant, but I also don't believe physical punishment ought to be our first response. And in that moment, I began thinking about what I really wanted to accomplish.
You came into my office in tears because you thought you were going to get a spanking. I could see the fear on your face, and it seemed that you were far more concerned about the punishment you might receive than the wrong you had done.
And that made me stop and think.
Do We Want Obedience Out of Fear or Love?
I asked myself a question that I hope I'll continue to remember throughout my life as a father.
Do I want my daughter to understand the seriousness of her actions or simply the seriousness of her punishment?
Because those are two very different things, aren't they?
I could frighten you into obeying me, and perhaps you'd think twice before sneaking another snack. But would you understand why honesty and obedience matter? Would your heart actually change, or would you simply become better at avoiding consequences?
I don't want our relationship to be built upon resentment or fear, P. I want you to obey because you've come to love what is right.
So I sat you down and talked with you.
I explained that when we secretly take something we've been told not to take, we're acting dishonestly. I even used the word robber to make you consider the seriousness of taking what doesn't belong to you.
That stung. I could see it on your face.
But I also wanted you to understand that one wrong action doesn't have to define who you are. You had done something wrong, but that didn't mean you were forever defined by your mistake.
We talked, and eventually I wrapped my arms around you. We hugged for a while, and I told you to go and sin no more.
Why God Cares About the Heart
That phrase reminds me of the account in John 8, where Jesus tells the woman caught in adultery that He does not condemn her and instructs her to leave her sin behind.
What a beautiful picture of mercy and correction together.
Jesus didn't suggest that sin was unimportant or that it should continue. But neither did He treat the woman as though her wrongdoing was all that mattered about her.
And that's something I want to remember as your Papa.
I don't want to overlook your wrongdoing, but I also don't want to become so concerned with punishing your behavior that I neglect your heart.
Because that's ultimately what matters, P.
Jesus teaches in Luke 6:45 that the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart. Our actions and words reveal something about what's happening within us.
And if all I ever accomplish is making you afraid of what will happen when you disobey, have I really helped you grow in holiness?
I want something better for you.
I want you to love honesty, not merely fear being caught in a lie. I want you to respect your Momma and me, not simply because we can discipline you, but because you understand the goodness of honoring your parents.
And most importantly, I want you to love and obey God because you've come to know His goodness and grace.
That kind of love isn't something I can force into your heart through punishment. It's something only God can truly produce.
So, P, as you grow older, I hope you'll remember this conversation. Whether you're raising children of your own someday or examining your own relationship with God, don't become so fixated on outward behavior that you neglect what's happening within.
Ask yourself why you're doing what you're doing. Are you motivated by fear, selfishness, or a genuine love for what is good?
It's not merely about what you do, P. It's about the heart from which those actions come.
I love you, my dear girl. And I pray that God will continually shape your heart to love Him and what is good.
Papa